Many who have watched Miley Cyrus’ new music video for “We Can’t Stop” call it the weirdest, most uncomfortable video they’ve seen. Little do they know the backstory of all the individuals in the video who allegedly Can’t Stop:
A guy with a money sandwich: David had come to the party immediately after a 6 hour shift at Safeway, and was starving. He had opened Miley’s fridge to find nothing but sugar, some of Jefferson’s bread, and 68 kilos of heroin. Desperate, David opens Miley’s pantry to find hundreds upon hundreds of dollars. Sighing, he makes himself a sandwich, wondering why They Can’t Stop.
A boy whose smoking, burning genitals require immediate medical attention. Poor Kevin doesn’t want to ruin Miley’s party so he just smiles and looks down, praying to God Almighty that nobody can see his tears. It must have been something in the hot dog he pulled out of the pinata. But hey, they Can’t Stop. Not even for flammable genitals.
A girl whose severed fingers require medical attention. After slicing her fingers off as a holy sacrifice to the Twerk Team, poor Susan watches in horror as her stumps begin oozing not blood, but Pepto Bismol. This girl’s problems are embarrassing on several levels, and are likely to ruin Miley’s party, so Susan has to suck it up and somehow make her fatal issues sensual. She looks at us, sexy pout complementing her stumpy, bleeding fingers, and whispers an arousing “Ow.” The camera cuts off before we see Miley licking Susan’s dead body. They can’t stop.
A guy with way too much sliced bread. Miley decided to invite to her party That One Guy that never gets invited to anything. Bad idea. Jefferson misread the invite to the “We Can’t Stop” party, and proceeds to bring his 70 pound collection of sliced white bread to her living room, shoving slice after slice into his mouth as the party watches, too embarrassed to ask him To Stop.
A guy that kicks Miley in the head while she’s wrestling with a girl in a sea of hot dogs. This is my favorite party guest. I want him to Never Stop.
The girl with lips painted a few inches off from where they should be: Lindsay is a single mother who hasn’t left the house since her daughter was born. Miley called her and insisted she come, promising that there would be many good looking prospects and that it would be a good idea to put herself back into the game. Upon arriving, Miley took one look at her and told her to “twerk it up a little,” ushering Lindsay into her bathroom with a tube of her least diseased red lipstick. Lindsay realizes that Miley forgot to pay the electricity bill, and in the dark, dank bathroom, attempts to put on lipstick as accurately as she could. She should have stopped, but They Can’t Stop.
The taxidermic animals: Old Helen across the street was invited by accident. Honored to finally be welcomed by Miley, she had arrived with her 7 cats, eager to show Miley her precious pets. She leaves for a few minutes and comes back to find Miley had killed all of her cats, using their insides as hot dogs for her pinata.
The hot dog pinata: See above.
I don’t know if Miley needs someone to talk to or just a long walk in a park, but 5 out of 5 doctors agree that perhaps it’s time To Stop.
i'm alya - fulbright alum and puzzle enthusiast 